Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
