wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
