we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Someone signed my nipple.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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