i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
