I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
