Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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