my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
