The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
