An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
