Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
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you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
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Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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