Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
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Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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