Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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