My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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