sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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