if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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