John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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