i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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