Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
