My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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