new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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