i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
