I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize