I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
