apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
