my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
