i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
