dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
