Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
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Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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