I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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