We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
