You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
