I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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