Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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