I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
