so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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