Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
