Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
