Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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