he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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