This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
