I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
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Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
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