I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.