I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
