a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"