i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
do nipples grow back?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
