I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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