Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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