false alarm. still invincible.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
