I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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