we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
