apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
