mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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