Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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