piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
