the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
