I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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