I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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