sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When are your genitals available?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
