At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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