You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.