woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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