Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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