Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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