i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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