You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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