This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
