Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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