Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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